1. |
Before
04:11
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Glittering lake under a splintering dock
I get a piece of it to take home
And I pick at the wood under skin
Sunlight slipping and spinning new days as I stood
In a moment I’ll try to recapture
Through mushrooms and speeding through stop signs and bleeding
I wish there were things I never understood
A time before knowing
The silence preceding the knock at the door
The light til shadows cast on me over and over again
Oh to be smaller again
To pretend
A beautiful wake
I cried too long and too late
After the service, for the kids running fast
Through the manicured lawn
Untouched by what had been lost, just for a moment
Though I know it’ll pass
Losing is so long
All my love stuck in a time that will always be gone
A time before knowing
The silence preceding the knock at the door
The light til shadows cast on me over and over again
Oh to be smaller again
To pretend
Though it is fleeting in theory
A body remembers, a notch in the wood
Though I was too young to have understood
The beauty in
A time before knowing
A silence that I could afford to endure
A light before shadow brought me a comfort that I can’t ignore
I can’t live in before anymore
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2. |
Glitter
03:06
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DSLR flash
Looking past the lens
A teenage imitation
Now just a picture of a picture I’ve taken
Glitter closing my eyes
Falling asleep with your hand in mine
Every moment has a touch of goodbye
We were watching it leave while we still had time
I wanna kill your boyfriend
On the phone you said
“I promise, I know it’s bad”
When I come home on the holiday
You tell me everything
In my bed
Whispering like we’re thirteen again
Glass bottles in the trunk
Looking for something far past drunk
Learning how to be loved in the back of a car that you’re scared of
Fall from a chemical high
Outrunning the feeling of being alive
But after it ended you never felt right
You’re not supposed to take that stuff all the time
I wanna kill your boyfriend
He can never know you
He wants to crush you in his hands
And every time
That you say “he loves me”
I say “that’s not what love means”
I say “that’s not what love means”
That’s not what love means
That’s not what love means
I say “that’s not what love means”
I say “that’s not what love means”
That’s not what love means
That’s not what love means
That’s not what love means
That’s not what love means
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3. |
Mythologize me
02:53
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So cautious, I was
Just a kid and for what it was worth
Well, it wasn’t
All of the suffering
I thought, maybe one day
I’ll use this in a good way
Isn’t it great what I made of it?
Just a boring anorexic
Brain addled, sympathetic
To all who thought me so special and pathetic
I’m just so fucked up
You couldn’t understand me
Boy in the backseat, won’t you mythologize me?
Make me in your perfect image of a girl
So sweet but always incomplete and grateful for
Your needs to give me meaning
Oh, what a relief from feeling
Oh, I am only ever gonna be a waste
Of my potential that they said would come with pain
All I can do is fantasize
About how you fantasize about me
Ain’t it great?
Show up late
On your arm
Set the slate
Talk my ear off and wait til the band starts to play
In the crowd I am anyone
I’m dancing all crazy
You shoot me a look and I know I’m misbehaving
If I ever said
“Hey, fuck you” and lost my head
You know, I would bet you’d find a way to find it sexy
Make me in your perfect image of a girl
Batshit crazy
All I need is you to turn my world right side up again
What would I ever do without men?
Oh, I am only ever gonna be a waste
Of my potential that they said would come with pain
All I can do is fantasize
About how you fantasize about me
Make me in your perfect image of a girl
So sweet but always incomplete and grateful for
Your needs to give me meaning
Oh, what a relief from feeling
Call me only when you wanna pick a fight
Bout how you could never love me when it’s right
When I get myself together I know
You won’t want me when I’m better
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4. |
Punch Drunk
03:16
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With my hands in my pockets
Standing like a little sister
Know you like me a little better when I beg
When we both pretend
That what you’re giving’s what I’m after
I just love to chase the difference
And you get off on your affect
I needed to feel small to someone
And masochism’s just more fun
When you like to deny me
In the moment
When being below you
Was just where you wanted me
I don’t wanna get it this way
I don’t wanna wake up again like this
Punch drunk, filling up on whatever it is you decide to give
I’m not as careless as I say I am
To you when I want you badly
When I’m so sick of my lonely
But too proud to ask you to love me
With my hands on my mouth
I’m sitting down in the shower
Had to pop my jaw to fit you in
And it doesn’t matter
How I feel about it now
When I guess that’s what I wanted then
I needed to feel close to someone
And the best you could do
Was close enough for me
In the moment
When being below you
Was just where I thought that I should be
I don’t wanna get it this way
I don’t wanna wake up again like this
Punch drunk, filling up on whatever it is you decide to give
I’m not as careless as I say I am
To you when I want you badly
When I’m so sick of my lonely
But too proud
Oh, I’m just too proud
I’ll tell you now
You never pulled one over on me
I know how I played it
How I used you to punish me
You took the bait
I’m not my place in your hierarchy
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5. |
Crybaby
04:40
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Holding funerals for roadkill in the backyard
Hands outstretched
I was never good at letting things go unattended
I guess
I was shit at soccer
Didn’t wanna steal the ball
Dad explained it was the game
But I didn’t care at all
I liked the part when we stopped to eat cut fruit in the sun
I liked the part when we all shook hands and high-fived everyone
Crybaby
No one cares as much as you for the ordinary
Crybaby
Ain’t it lonely knowing everything is so lovely
I fell into psychotropics and psychedelics too
Tried to fix my brain
Begged for nihilism to come down on me every day
But I am not a cynic
I always need something to love
And I find it if I feel like looking hard enough
Peering through the glass, I make the cracks into a shape that I can live through
Even though I know time takes it all away
Crybaby
No one cares as much as you for the ordinary
Crybaby
Ain’t it lonely knowing everything is so lovely
Crybaby
No one cares as much as you for the ordinary
Crybaby
Ain’t it lonely knowing everything is so lovely
When everything is so lovely
When everything is so lovely
It’s okay to cry, baby
When everything is so lovely
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6. |
16
03:24
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Your girlfriend wants to take me to yoga class
And you want me stop cutting myself in the bathtub
The hospital wants to let my mother go home
I said “I won’t give consent for that over the phone”
I smoke a big bowl in my car all alone
I get really high
And cry to a stupid song
I work at the mall where I sell nice perfume
I say “this one would be lovely on you”
You corner me daily in the kitchenette
You say “have you eaten enough today yet?”
And I always say yes and we know that I’m lying
I let you fall silent
We pretend that you’re trying
“I don’t know what to do with you”
You say it often
Almost sounds like a good excuse
For doing nothing
I call the police on my mom again
I bring her yoga pants
Without the drawstring in
I buy another plant for the corner of my room
I don’t think it’ll make it but I guess I’m speaking too soon
Inexplicably, I keep waking up
I keep walking forward into the dusk
I’m absolving
I’m forgiving
I don’t care who’s deserving
I’ll come later with a hammer and break open my burden
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7. |
Just Like Mine
04:18
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I don’t wanna put you in my calendar
I just wanna fall asleep in your bed
Remember when I laid my head down on a pillow of perfume?
Well, I remember wishing that it was you
I don’t want to be an obligation
I want you to wake up in my bed
Remember how I spent those years in madness all alone?
Well, I remember wishing that you would phone
I think about you all the time
If I didn’t love so much it wouldn’t be half the crime
To look at all we lost
Just buried in the shrine
Well, honey
Your grief looks just like mine
Know that I didn’t mean to cut you off
I just had to cut you out of me
I miss you the most when I look in the mirror and I see you there
A string pulled
Once my tether, now a snare
Know that I didn’t mean to leave you like that
No one ever told me what to do
Except for you, my baby blue
And I trusted in your strength
Though it was through pain that it was made
I think about you all the time
If I didn’t love so much it wouldn’t be half the crime
To look at all we lost
Just buried in the shrine
Well, honey
Your grief looks just like mine
All of this hurt, I’ll leave it in your name
Nothing I deserve will ever feel the same
Love comes to me softly and I’m spiteful at the taste
I keep my baby in a grave
I think about you all the time
If I didn’t love so much it wouldn’t be half the crime
To look at all we lost
Just buried in the shrine
Well, honey
Your grief looks just like mine
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8. |
Bird
02:34
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You broke the fall the first night that I saw your hands shaking
I fibbed, “I wasn’t thinking of it”
Just like my mom
Type 1 with a problem
Of losing your grip on the mind you live in
You’re everybody’s baby bird
They worry bout you still
Your mama’s eyes locking with mine
I’ll try, you know I will
Many childish whims
What a flight to begin
All naivete, no innocence
I grew tired once the carnival ended
Won’t you be my friend?
Don’t you care what I said?
You’re everybody’s baby bird
They worry bout you still
All that I need, I’ll find in me
I’ll try, you know I will
When you fucked up bad
I couldn’t let you have it
I swallowed the pain and threw it up in the drain
I stopped smiling and I started to try to say something I mean
You didn’t think it was me
You’re everybody’s baby bird
I made you mine for a time
You never wanted for me to be honest
When I leave I don’t tell you why
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9. |
Anything You Want
03:33
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Feeling my way around it in space only takes a long time if I do
I know how to speak to what I can’t see
But I’m sick of it trying to find you
Giving you an out in the conversation cause I’m always bringing up the worst of it
But you’re taking my hand
And you’re taking me in
When I’m in the shower throwing up in the drain I explain:
“It’s not about you”
Everything I’m feeling is a phantom pain
The rot settled in without you
And there you are looking at me with your bright eyes
You could eat me alive
And I’d let you do it cause it’s all I know
But you wanna do it right
I’m a hard person to unravel
I’m an endless ball of yarn
I’m a labyrinth in the dark
I’m not anything you want
I’m not anything you want
Being unknown is all that I own
I don’t wanna be taken apart again
Pacing my way up and down the shame
I’ve stayed after the strike but then
You say you want nothing that I don’t want to give
And I don’t think that’s true
But anyway, I can’t keep my secrets
Even when I want to
I’m a hard person to unravel
I’m an endless ball of yarn
I’m a labyrinth in the dark
I’m not anything you want
I’m not anything you want
I’m an outlet mall parking lot
I’m an Everclear on the rocks
I’m not anything you want
I’m a hanger-on of the band
I’m a bug in your soda can
If I could get away from who I am
I’d be anything you want
I’d be anything you want
I’d be anything you want
I’d be anything you want
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10. |
Modern Woman
04:09
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I feel like a modern woman
I get up late, I’m always saying
“Man, I gotta hit the DMV”
Always bills I’m paying
I feel like shit in the afternoon
2pm is a wormhole into buying clothes on Instagram
And standing in front of my fridge eating deli ham
If I could choose to be
Free of modernity
What would it make of me?
I want something to feel
I want anything that’s real
I’ll take whatever will hit me
Just hit me hard
Hit me hard
Hit me hard
I don’t wanna be numb anymore
I can’t check out of what I am made for
I waited forever to want it again
And I want it
Want it
Want it
Want it again
I feel like a modern woman
An effortless, beautiful mess
I’m crying in a way that’s not pathetic
You just wouldn’t get it
They love me when I am miserable
Cause I’m super marketable
Sad girl sings a simple song
And all the others sing alone
If you could sell to me
A brand new way to be
I would buy it, but I’d rather be free
I want something to feel
I want anything that’s real
I’ll take whatever will hit me
Just hit me hard
Hit me hard
Hit me hard
I don’t wanna be numb anymore
I can’t check out of what I am made for
I waited forever to want it again
And I want it
Want it
Want it
Want it again
Give me a book to read and look smart
Tell me what I should eat and how hard
I need to try before I fall apart
I wanna feel, oh I wanna feel
Give me a book to read and look smart
Tell me what I should eat and how hard
I need to try before I fall apart
I wanna feel, oh I wanna feel
I want something to feel
I want anything that’s real
I’ll take whatever will hit me
Just hit me hard
Hit me hard
Hit me hard
I don’t wanna be numb anymore
I can’t check out of what I am made for
I waited forever to want it again
And I want it
Want it
Want it
Want it again
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11. |
Strike
04:20
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Called you yesterday in the evening
It was pretty late
Got freaked out on WebMD again
And you know I hate
When I can feel all the blood in my arms
Gotta lay down and hold ‘em up above my heart
I make a cup of tea and you read to me
Over the phone, til I let go
Til I’m asleep
You’re a shock to my system
And I don’t trust what I don’t know
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop so I can run home
Barefoot, in the cold
Alone
But I don’t wanna wait for the
Moment I’m safe to love you
It’s always too late when I do
I’m giving you a knife to hold at my throat
Sending for a flood and watching it go
I’d soften underneath your blow
But every time I think you’ll strike you don’t
Took a long walk in the closest woods that I could find
In this barren desert wasteland
That I call mine
And when we sat in the creek, you looked up
Golden boy soaking in the hostile sun
You were needed too much as a child like me
I know what it is to be what you give
Now let’s be free
I don’t wanna wait for the
Moment I’m safe to love you
It’s always too late when I do
I’m giving you a knife to hold at my throat
Sending for a flood and watching it go
I’d soften underneath your blow
But every time I think you’ll strike you don’t
Every time I think you’ll strike you don’t
Every time I think you’ll strike you don’t
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12. |
To Wake Up
04:31
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I cross my heart in the morning
And I take a long bath when I’m empty
I walk around JoAnn Fabrics with the old ladies
They smile at me
I try to be a version of myself I don’t wanna fight
Whether that’s because she scares me or I’m a pacifist
I don’t know
I don’t mind
Isn’t it enough to wake up?
Isn’t it enough to wake up?
I live so many unremarkable days
Oh what a gift that is to say
I sleep late, eat what I want, and complain
And when I come home I see my baby
I try to be a version of myself who knows how to be still
I have walked out from the dusk and when the sun is rising
I’ll let it
I will
Isn’t it enough to wake up?
Isn’t it enough to wake up?
Every line on my face is a gift
Every roll on my side is a gift
Every time that I cry it’s a gift
Every morning, I open my eyes
Every morning, I open my eyes
Isn’t it enough to wake up?
Isn’t it enough to wake up?
Isn’t it enough to wake up?
Isn’t it enough?
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Eliza McLamb Los Angeles, California
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